Archive | March, 2013

Love, Part 3 of 5: She’s Just Not That Into You

4 Mar

Even if you didn’t see the 2009 all-star movie adaptation of “He’s Just Not That Into You” (helloooo Bradley Cooper), you are probably familiar with the premise of the famous self-help book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. If not, here is the synopsis: Men aren’t complicated. They don’t send mixed signals. In fact, men are pretty black and white. The long and short of it is this: If you are boring your girlfriends obsessing over if he likes you or not, he’s probably not that into you. Trust me, this is not an easy concept for any emotionally charged woman to accept. We are hard-wired to obsess, over-analyze, gossip, worry, freak-out, misunderstand, etc. Especially over the opposite sex.

I was one of these women for the better part of 25 years. Then-somehow between my high school sweetheart marrying my college roommate and my last breakup-I completely changed. Now, I tend to play the role of dude with every guy I date. I’m the girl who wishes someone would write a book for guys on the subject: “She’s Just Not That Into You.”

Now that I’ve started dating again, I really (really) wish this book existed. Dating is exhausting. Allow me to clarify: Actually “going out” with someone is the easy part. The exhausting part is the “Are we on the same page?” dance post first date. The texts. The emails. The phone calls. The “Are we going to have a second date?” question. Even worse, the “I’m pretty sure only one of us felt this was a date” situation (So awesome. Not). Ugh. Can I just pop out of a lantern like “I Dream of Jeannie” and already be married to my hot, amazing, funny, non-cheating husband and have 1.5 adorable well-behaved children? No? Fine. Whatever. You all stink. Keep reading.

I’m not alone. As single, busy adults in our late 20s, none of us have time for guessing games. Instead, we need to grow up, read the signs for what they are, and either move in or or move on. This is when mutual understanding of “Just Not That Into You” would really come in handy. Today, I’m going to help the chicas a bit (cue empowering Beyonce song).

A quick little note before we begin. Of late, I’ve grown some serious cajones. If I’m not feeling a guy after a few times we’ve been out, I tell him in the nicest way possible. It’s a lot easier than you think, the whole honesty thing (Go figure, I know). It’s truly not that hard to say “Hey, it’s been awesome getting to know you, but I just don’t think we’re a good match,” or “I don’t think this is going anywhere romantically, but I do see a good friendship. Would that be OK with you?” These aren’t lines, they are truth. Wasting someone’s time isn’t cool. Neither is playing with their feelings.

Alright ladies, I hear you. Most of you aren’t comfortable being this forward with a guy. Instead, you wish there were subtle ways you could give him the hint without being mean. This latter part being the key: Without being mean. This means not partaking in mean girl behavior like not answering his texts, phone calls or lying to get out of dates (See “the Shimmy Out” blog post from a few weeks ago). All of these are terrible ways of telling him you’re not interested. Don’t do it. Refrain.

So how do you let him down easy? My hot list of “She’s Just Not That Into You” pointers, that’s how. Read up and take it all in. All of the following will help him get the hint. Even better, he won’t think you’re a bitch throughout the process. Winner winner chicken dinner.

“She’s Just Not That Into You”: Strategies to Achieve

1. No Touchie: Men are sensitive to touch. If a woman touches a man while hanging out (the arm, leg, shoulder, face, etc.) he takes it as a sign you find him attractive. If you aren’t into him, DON’T touch him except for a polite hug at the beginning and end of the hang out

2. No Kissing: Women like to make out. They make out with a guy even if they don’t like them because, well, it’s something to do (I’m lumped in here, too). NO kissing him. Period. He will get the wrong idea. This brings us to #3

3. Two Drink Rule: A drunk woman = a flirty woman. Flirty sometimes leads to more than that and you’ll hate yourself later. Leave it at two drinks (max) and go home…or go meet up with your girlfriends and drink your face off there

4. 50/50: Always offer to split the check. If he won’t let you, make sure you make it a point to say you’ll get whatever the next thing you’re doing and/or next time you hang out (as FRIENDS). Paying for a woman = date mode. Take the date part out of it by offering to pay

5. Talk About Dating: Please note I’m NOT suggesting you bring up your exes. That’s awful, mean and rude. Instead, I’m suggesting you talk about the dating “landscape” and ask him active questions about his experience dating in your city…you get the point. Friends talk to other friends about how awful it is to be single. If you are moving him to the friend zone, this topic can be brought up. It drops the hint you are not on a date

6. Ring Ring/Type Type: If he calls, do not call him right back. Wait a little bit. This shouldn’t be hard (because you don’t really like him, anyway). If you really liked him, you’d call him back 2.5 seconds after he called and drop everything to do so. However, make sure you DO call him back at some point (Because otherwise, you’re mean). Here’s a good rule of thumb: Watch one Lifetime movie or three of your favorite sitcoms before calling him back. This is a long enough time. Same goes for text messages, emails, FB, Twitter…the list goes on

7. Every Two Weeks+: If he likes you, he will ask you to hang out at least once a week. Do not do that. Every two weeks (plus) is sufficient if you have no interest in dating him. Any more frequent and it will send the wrong message

Hint to dudes: There ARE times she won’t call you/write you back for a long time because she’s genuinely busy/not available. If there is a long time in-between, there is one tell-tale sign if she meant to or not: If she was really tied up, she’ll apologize it took so long to get back to you and give you a reason. For example, “Hey there! Sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I’ve been at the hairdressers/gym/writing a paper, etc. Can I call you back in 20?”

8. Beauty Tone-Down: Find a balance between looking hot-and not-and go with that look. You do not want to wear your best outfit/try out your best lip gloss when you are going out with this guy if you aren’t really into him. Instead, save those clothes/make-up/hair poofing for a guy you really like

9. Daytime Fun for Everyone: Keep nighttime hangouts to a minimum, as many nighttime activities scream “date” to a guy. Instead, try museums, bowling, walks/runs, parades…ok, well maybe not parades, but you see where I’m going with this. Keep weekend hangouts to a minimum/non-existent level, too. A guy hates giving up a weekend night to a woman. Period. If he likes you-and he gives up a weekend night with the boys to take you out-it’s big. It means he picked YOU over going out and finding other women. If you know you don’t like him, end it before it gets to a Friday/Saturday night hang out. It’s only fair

10. Group it Up: Suggest hanging out with other friends-his or yours-when you hang out. If he’s not getting the hint with numbers 1-9 above, this one should help. If you keep suggesting to hang out with other people, it screams friend zone

Ladies, honesty is the best policy. If you’re a few dates in and you aren’t feeling it, it’s always better to be upfront. He’ll understand and respect you for it, promise. If he doesn’t, he’s the bitch, not you. However, if you really can’t bring yourself to tell him, tips 1-10 should help the process along. It may take a bit longer, but he’ll get the hint and move on, as you will too.

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