Love, Part 2 of 5: the “Coupled-Up” Complex

18 Feb

As you enter your late 20s/early 30s, the “single” pool slims. In fact, you probably only have a handful of friends left in the “Hey, I’m single” group. Or – if you’re me – don’t even have a handful. To be truthful, I only have up to my middle finger (ironic finger to have on this topic, no?). It wasn’t always like this. When I first moved to New York (2010), I had tons of single friends. We all went out. We all partied. We were each other’s wingmen/women. We never had to check with another person to schedule a night out. Easy breezy.

I blame myself for ruining this wonderful scenario, as the above only lasted a few weeks. I got a boyfriend three weeks after moving to the city.

At first, I told all my friends nothing would change. I’d still hang out with everyone just as much, see him sometimes, etc. Later down the road, he and I had numerous conversations about having our own space and having separate friends. This all sounded great in theory, but the reality was we did everything together and never left the other’s side. When we actually hung out with other people, we did that together, too. Truly, you could have given us one of those annoying Brangelina nicknames. Not once did I ever think about how my single friends may be feeling or think I was doing anything wrong. Instead – in my head – I was doing the best I could trying to balance boyfriend and friends. They had to understand, right?

Wrong. It wasn’t until after my boyfriend left me for another woman I realized how much I needed my friends. In the following months – as I was trying to reconnect with everyone – I not only learned how hurt they were by my long absence, but learned how much being in a “couple” changed me as a person and changed how I interacted with my friends. In short, I sucked. Big time.

When you are “coupled-up,” you change in many ways. Your priorities change. Your conversations with your friends change. Your attitude about life changes. What you find fun changes. Your expectations of others change. Honest Abe? You aren’t the same person you were before the relationship.

I’m not saying this to be Negative Nancy (who, to be clear, has no relation to Honest Abe). Us singles are thrilled for our “coupled-up” friends. Honestly, we want what you have. Hell, we’re happy for you even if we don’t particularly like your other half. Our job – as your friend – is to be supportive. When we end up really liking your other half, it’s amazing. It’s even more amazing when we become really good friends with them. They make you happy and we usually love having them around. Score.

I know what you’re thinking – “coupled-up” reader – if we like your other half (or, even if we are just being supportive), and you still see us (even if it’s with him), then what is our problem?

This is going to sound harsh. The problem is you’re in a relationship with us, too. Your relationship with us requires a certain amount of empathy, respect, time, and energy. It also requires a certain amount of quality time away from your significant other, so we can speak freely, connect with just you, and remember what it was like pre boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband.

Of course, we can’t tell you all this. Instead, we are stuck in the awkward position of just dealing with it. Or, hinting around it (even more awkward). Without you getting mad, how can we say “Hey, we totally love Michael. We really do. He’s perfect for you. But can we please have you to ourselves, just for a night? You don’t understand why it’s so important to us, but it is.” Being single is hard enough without thinking we are losing our friend to this “coupled-up” complex.

Are you starting to think about your own actions? Let me make it easy. Here are the top five gripes (plus a bonus) single friends have with their “coupled-up” ones:

1. We invite YOU somewhere, yet you respond with “We’d love to” or “We can totally stop by.”
Again, we may love your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband, but if we didn’t specifically invite them, it was probably for a reason. Thus, getting a “we” response is kinda a slap in the face.

2. We’ve hinted at quality time (either solo, just “the girls,” or just “the boys”) and you’ve made no effort to plan OR you don’t whole-heartedly agree (“OMG, you’re right. We haven’t hung out in a while. Totally overdue”).
In this, you make us feel secondary or simply not important at all. Not cool.

3. When we do hang out with you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband, you bring other couples.
Um. Hello? What about us? Do you have any idea what an all-couple night out feels like to the token single person? Let me enlighten you – it feels like someone is pushing your head through one of those airport X-ray machines. Great visual, right?

4. You stand us up.
You either cancel our plans all together and/or “forget” you already had something scheduled with your honey and do that instead. Oh, and the “We had a rough night and are going to stay in” or “We are so comfy at home right now” totally counts. Personally, my favorite is getting the latter, then being asked if I want to join in plans some other day. Newsflash – I alloted this time to hang out with you. I’m a busy gal and probably can’t jump at the replacement time. Sorry.

5. We always feel like a third wheel.
It doesn’t matter how awesome your girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband is, when we are out with just the three of you, we always feel like the odd man out. God bless you for trying to include us. We truly appreciate it. However, we only go because we want to see you. Not because we like the experience.

BONUS. You don’t think the same things are fun anymore.
We get it. When you are “coupled-up” your idea of fun changes. When you stay in, you cook dinner, watch tv, and enjoy each other’s company over a few bottles of wine. When you go out, you aren’t looking for interaction with the opposite sex. Unfortunately, us singles are still looking and thus, are counting on the company of others to help us out. Further, we understand you don’t want to do the things we did when you were single: out till 5 a.m., meet new people, dance the night away, beer pong championship…Fine. However, sometimes – just sometimes – it would be fabulous if you would do one or more of these things for us. In return, we promise not to complain once about your PDA. Not. Once.

Dear “coupled-up” friends: We love you. We really do. We also probably love your other half. However, we don’t want to compete with your current relationship. We want to enhance it. We also want our relationship with you to stay in-tact and/or grow. In this, you need to give us – your single friends – some consideration and care. We promise to do the same when love enters our lives.

Cue Heart’s “Alone.”

Please be sure to share this blog post with all your “coupled-up” friends.

Advertisements

One Response to “Love, Part 2 of 5: the “Coupled-Up” Complex”

  1. Ray Anemaet February 18, 2013 at 7:58 am #

    Very good agree with you and was married with kids …..now that I’m single again look at all the fun things in your own words that you can do ……i know love is bliss but Damn there’s a lot of things that’s cool bout being single including looking for ” the one ” and you are much wiser now i can see the signs when a couple is loosing it maybe even before they do and definitely if it is happening to me and my gf when I have one biggest thing in a relationship is compromise always a give and take……..not when your single or some gf that is still not attached to your hip ……… So how do you wanna live well try both then decide a lot of ppl say they regret all they gave up .

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: